Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

Zoo keeper say’s to Paddy, “The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider doing it for £500?”

Paddy replies, “I will on 3 conditions”:

1st I’m not going to kiss it.
2nd My family must never know.
3rd I’ll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

[Onelife]

A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”

The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”

The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

The grim reaper approaches Paddy and says "I'm death" Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"

[oldbluefox]

In the light of recent Police announcements that they no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries. I have taken down the St George’s flag from beside the house and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door. We have disconnected the burglar alarm and quit Neighbourhood Watch.......
I’ve bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the middle.
Now the local Police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK Counter Terrorism agencies are watching the house 24/7.
We’ve never felt safer and we’re saving £24.95 a month.

[oldbluefox]

For his birthday, little Willie asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Willie heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Willie told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a £289,000 mortgage and no bike.”

[oldbluefox]

Zoo keeper say’s to Paddy, “The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider doing it for £500?”

Paddy replies, “I will on 3 conditions”:

1st I’m not going to kiss it.
2nd My family must never know.
3rd I’ll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

Good one Stephen

[Onelife]

For his birthday, little Willie asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Willie heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Willie told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a £289,000 mortgage and no bike.”

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

How does a Geordie carpenter make sure his doors are level?

By eye man.

[Stephen]

Boris Johnson's worst nightmare: The next ballot for the Tory leadership will be postal vote only.

[Stephen]

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[towny44]

A 68 year -old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older, and we always tend to look for a bargain

[Onelife]

Oh bl**dy hell towny. ...l was getting excited until you chipped in with 'paint my house'