Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pa...ir of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Stephen]

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[towny44]

Bill and Frank, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Frank didn't show up. Bill didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Frank hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bill really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bill didn't know where Frank lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bill figured he had seen the last of Frank, but one day, Bill approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Frank! Bill was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Frank, what in the world happened to you?
Frank replied, 'I have been in jail.”
'Jail!' cried Bill. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Frank said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bill, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide...

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back?

[gfwgfw]

Returned my new Vacuum flask

Blurb states

Keeps liquid hot or cold

My soup and icecream was barely luke warm

[Stephen]

What's the difference between Cinderella and Princess Diana?

At midnight Cinderella's car didn't turn into a wall.

[qbman1]

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[qbman1]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[qbman1]

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"

[qbman1]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

I asked the librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."