Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

A Cowboy from Calgary appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit or bravery?' asked St. Peter.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Cowboy offered.
'On a trip to Kananskis, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and punched him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!
St. Peter was very impressed and asked, 'When did all this happen?'
The Cowboy said, 'A couple of minutes ago.'

[Onelife]

An Irish drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

A couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man asks, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? '

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. '

He thanks them for attending, wishes them good luck, charges them £50 and says good bye.

The next week, the same couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married so we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.

[Stephen]

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[Ray Scully]

Worms in Church"



Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .. Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . Alive?!

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"Well, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

[Ray Scully]

Christmas purchase

I need some advice !


Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that two dear?

[Stephen]

Christmas purchase

I need some advice !


Been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.

Is that two dear?

Good one Ray

[Stephen]

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[Silver_Shiney]

Dear Santa

We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.

The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr Jerome Little says you have "a clear-cut case of Rosacea", a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry". Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, Rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress hot chocolate and over-exertion.. all things you may encounter this time of year.

The one bright note in Dr Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Poke dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs - OBESITY. Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the auS alone, even if one in 100 homes put out so cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs Claus to get you a Nordic Track or Thighmaster. But he sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regime.

Pipe-smoking - you've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in the New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath". According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centre, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a non-striker's risk for lung cancer, fourtimes the risk of larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.

Stress - dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking ax a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news. A medical news service says laughter - ax evidenced by your trademark " ho ho ho" is one of the best stress busters going.

Soot - we admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12ibches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Right of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

Repetitive Strain Injury - cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving, and answering, email on at least four internet addressses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

Deer mites - close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer jeans if they get mites, so might you, says Dr Cuck DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynelle (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

Frostbite, hypothermia - you usually bundle up, and that's good. A weather service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Poke was 13below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

Mall thugs - you spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little rough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

Memory trouble - it's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?

Seasonal Affective Disorder - this time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Poke, and a lack of sunlight Dan trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

Viral infections - a young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is the cold and flu season, don't you?

Hey pat - fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travellers face when they cross through several time zones. And a few travellers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do.

Sleigh accidents - we've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load. You wouldn't want to have an accident that would boost your insurance rates, would you?

Which reminds us, you DO have insurance, don't you?

Sincerely, Jack Brown Seattle, Washington

[Stephen]

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[kaymar]

She said "This Christmas, I'd like something which makes my knees tremble and my nipples harden"

So he turned he heating off.