Mornin All --- :) ---

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Stephen
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Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)

Mornin All --- :) ---

#1

Post by Stephen »

 
 
Image
 
It's Friday Fun Time
 
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford .... 

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

 Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

 Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. 

 Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

 High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long~term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

 But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

 Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?" 

 After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake." 
Last edited by Stephen on 21 Apr 2017, 07:46, edited 1 time in total.

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kaymar
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Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Mornin All --- :) ---

#2

Post by kaymar »

A Message to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you do wish to carry a vegetable peeler

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans, Kiwis and Australians will thrash you, like they regularly used to thrash us.


13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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oldbluefox
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Location: Cumbria

Re: Mornin All --- :) ---

#3

Post by oldbluefox »

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied , "Get in line."

(courtesy of another forum member)

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oldbluefox
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Location: Cumbria

Re: Mornin All --- :) ---

#4

Post by oldbluefox »

A retired guy sits around the house all day.
So one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful like vacuum the house once a week"
The guy gives it a moment's thought and says; "sure why not. Where's the vacuum? "
Half an hour later, Joe walks into the kitchen to get some coffee.
His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to use it"?
Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken, and it won't start. We need to buy a new one".
"Really", she says, "Show me - it worked fine the last time I used it".
So he showed her.............

Click here

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Onelife
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Re: Mornin All --- :) ---

#5

Post by Onelife »

oldbluefox wrote: 21 Apr 2017, 09:53
A retired guy sits around the house all day.
So one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful like vacuum the house once a week"
The guy gives it a moment's thought and says; "sure why not. Where's the vacuum? "
Half an hour later, Joe walks into the kitchen to get some coffee.
His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to use it"?
Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken, and it won't start. We need to buy a new one".
"Really", she says, "Show me - it worked fine the last time I used it".
So he showed her.............

Click here

:lol: :lol: :thumbup:

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