Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Stephen
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Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#1

Post by Stephen »

There was once a man named Odd.

People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

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Stephen
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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#2

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Image

It's Friday Fun Time

18057925_1351220008319485_37690118064042462_n.jpg
Last edited by Stephen on 05 May 2017, 08:20, edited 1 time in total.


Ray Scully
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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#3

Post by Ray Scully »

What no gravy on her chips
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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#4

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God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend got turned on and pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and we had sex right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven, said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either"
John

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#5

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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
John

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#6

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#7

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Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
John

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#8

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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#9

Post by Stephen »

Ray Scully wrote: 05 May 2017, 10:49
What no gravy on her chips
:lol: :thumbup:

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#10

Post by Stephen »

18237744_1361789593929193_2355346391226607086_o.jpg

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#11

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A bra designer for Playtex has designed a new bra that stops women's t*ts from bouncing up and down and stops the nipples from poking out when they are cold.

His work colleagues took him outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#12

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On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.

Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read:

'Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!'

'I suppose,' the husband responded, 'we could vacuum.'

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#13

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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet.
She quickly picks it up, they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and its fifty-thousand pounds.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money and show up at their home.

One knocks on the door and says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No".

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down and begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#14

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17884304_1336063999835086_927496414247445743_n.jpg

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#15

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I poked my head over my sexy neighbours fence earlier to see her sun bathing in her bikini.

"You're gorgeous!" I said with a wink, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why, because I've taken your breathe away?" She asked, winking back.

"No," I replied. "Because I've just ran your son over out front."

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Re: Morning All ~~~ :) ~~~

#16

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Subject: Trump's Riddle

During his visit to London, Donald Trump met with Queen Elizabeth, and after bowing gracefully to her, He asked, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government ? Are there any tips you can give me ?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Donald frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent ?"

The Queen took a sip of tea and said, "Oh, that's easy Donald. You just ask them to answer a riddle."

Seeing the puzzled look on Donald’s face, the Queen said, “Let me demonstrate it for you.” The Queen pushed a button on her intercom and said, "Please send Prime Minister Theresa May in here."

Theresa walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty ?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it ?"
Theresa answered, "That would be me."

"Thank you Teresa." said the Queen. The Queen smiled at The Donald and said, "it's as simple as that."

Donald returned to the White House and asked Mike Pence the same question. "Mike, I want you to answer this riddle. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it ?"
"I'm not sure," said Mike. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

The next evening Mike and his wife were dining at a fancy restaurant when he noticed Sarah Palin sitting at another table. Mike walked over to her table and asked, “Sarah, can you answer a riddle for me ? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it ?"

Sarah answered, "That would be me !"

Mike smiled and said, "Thanks Sarah !"

After dinner Mike returned to the White House and met with Donald. Mike said, “I did some research and I found the answer to the riddle.”

Donald said, “Fantastic. So, what is the answer ?”

Mike replied, “It's Sarah Palin !"

Donald yelled, “No, you idiot ! It's Theresa May !"

And that, my friends, is what is going on at the White House!
John

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