Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

[qbman1]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Dear Roger,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila




Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Roger.

[Ray Scully]

Pythagoras Theory

A native American chief has three wives living in three wigwams
and one day he offers them new bed covers. The first asks for a
Buffalo skin hide as a cover and this is duly delivered.
The second wife asks for a bear skin hide. Although this is more
dangerous to obtain, one is eventually brought to her.
The third wife is the youngest and prettiest and she asks for a
Hippopotamus skin hide as a bed cover. This proves extremely
difficult to find, but eventually she has her wish.
Nine months later the first wife gives birth to a boy.
The second wife gives birth to a girl.
and the third wife has twins - a boy and a girl.
Which goes to prove, that the squaw on the Hippopotamus is
equal to the squaw on the other two hides.

[qbman1]

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[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

My mate died after taking an E.

Countdown's security staff don't mess about

[Stephen]

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[oldbluefox]

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[oldbluefox]

Some good 'uns this week

[Stephen]

My wife is the double of Kate Moss.

Kate is eight stone and my wife is sixteen stone.

[Stephen]

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[oldbluefox]

Great Quotes on Sex
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

Looks like twisted ar*e syndrome to me

[qbman1]

It's those rabbits that made me smile !

[Mervyn and Trish]

Are they yours?

[kaymar]

Pythagoras Theory

A native American chief has three wives living in three wigwams
and one day he offers them new bed covers. The first asks for a
Buffalo skin hide as a cover and this is duly delivered.
The second wife asks for a bear skin hide. Although this is more
dangerous to obtain, one is eventually brought to her.
The third wife is the youngest and prettiest and she asks for a
Hippopotamus skin hide as a bed cover. This proves extremely
difficult to find, but eventually she has her wish.
Nine months later the first wife gives birth to a boy.
The second wife gives birth to a girl.
and the third wife has twins - a boy and a girl.
Which goes to prove, that the squaw on the Hippopotamus is
equal to the squaw on the other two hides.

Ray, I hate to appear pedantic but the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides

[qbman1]

Are they yours?

No, mine are bigger than that !

[qbman1]

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It's not what you think - look again !

[Stephen]

Di*k head .

[oldbluefox]

Northerner terrifies London

[qbman1]

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