Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

If you close your eyes whilst rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference.

It also gets you banned from Tescos.

[oldbluefox]

You may have heard this before but never mind........................
Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day and said, "John, I have a great idea! We’re going to go all out to win back Middle England.
"Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it?” said McDonnell.
“Well,” said Corbyn “we’ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats some proper Hunter wellies a stick and a flat cap –, oh, and a Labrador. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something in the or other and we’ll show we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England.”
“Right Comrade,” said McDonnell.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off. Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
“Good evening, Landlord. Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please,” said Corbyn
“Good evening, Jeremy,” said the landlord. “Two pints of best it is, coming up.” Corbyn & McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.
Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell. People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over. “Tell me,” said McDonnell, “Why did all those people come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old country custom?”
“Good Lord no,” said the landlord. “It’s just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ars***les.”

[qbman1]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the a***hole is usually in charge.

[qbman1]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravished me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear - I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The Foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

[qbman1]

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we……"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday….."

[qbman1]

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."

Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"

[qbman1]

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play squash when suddenly a man runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his tackle. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

My Korean friend died last week...

So Yung

[qbman1]

Reminds me of an old girlfriend

Wun Hung Lo

[Stephen]

Sounds more like a tranny. Whatever turns you on

[qbman1]

Last time I turned a tranny on, all I could hear was Tony Blackburn

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

64 immigrants have been found dead in Bradford. It's not terrorism related but thought to be due to a bunk bed collapsing. Police are blaming Al ikea