Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, "I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks."
She wasn't wearing any socks. Stupid bitch.

[Ray Scully]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!


”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

[oldbluefox]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks it up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that ?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

[oldbluefox]

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs complete rest, peace and quiet so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him ?
They are not for him, they are for you !

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

My Dad always used to say, "We should embrace our mistakes". Then he'd give me a Big Hug.

[oldbluefox]

The rain was pouring down. There, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched and holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught
today?"
"You're the eighth", says the old man.

[Onelife]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"