It's Friday Fun Time
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland.
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BL**DY HELL!" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar.
The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland.
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BL**DY HELL!" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar.
The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
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towny44
- Deputy Captain
- Posts: 8968
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Huddersfield
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Cliff,. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Louise. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Louise to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually walk home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Louise. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Cliff,died suddenly last week of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a "Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II" golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Louise was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Cliff, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Cliff,. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Louise. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Louise to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually walk home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Louise. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Cliff,died suddenly last week of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a "Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II" golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Louise was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Cliff, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
John
Trainee Pensioner since 2000
Trainee Pensioner since 2000
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
I cant think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
-
Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
James Bond used to take Viagra. Apparently it made him Roger Moore.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 15980
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Any T.V programme shown in Liverpool that depicts people working, carries the subtitle 'Please do not try this at home'.