Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Stephen
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#1

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Image


It's Friday Fun Time

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#2

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I felt really patriotic and nostalgic after the royal wedding.
It was the first time the Uk had made a black princess since british Leyland shut down!

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towny44
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#3

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Open mouth – insert foot!!
These are quite funny.


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.

And then the fight started...



P.S. The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car; he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
John

Trainee Pensioner since 2000

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#4

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Using my old stock I see John :D

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#5

Post by Stephen »

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#6

Post by Stephen »

Paddy's wife is involved in a bad car crash.
In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook .
The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus.
Paddy says, "is she hell, just third party fire and theft".

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#7

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#8

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Man dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in a london tower block.
Bl**dy hell , how high up was he?

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#9

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towny44
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#10

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Stephen wrote: 25 May 2018, 09:21
Using my old stock I see John :D
Must have gone on a world cruise then, these came via Canada. :?
John

Trainee Pensioner since 2000

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#11

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A foreign infiltrator. How double dare they.

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#12

Post by towny44 »

Stephen wrote: 25 May 2018, 17:10
A foreign infiltrator. How double dare they.
I am preparing for our full Brexit. 8-)
John

Trainee Pensioner since 2000

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