Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Stephen
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 08:49

Image


It's Friday Fun Time

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 08:50

If 2x2 makes 4
3x3 makes 9,
how come 0x0 makes gravy.

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 08:52

October is Eczema Awareness Month so I'm raising money by selling scratch cards.

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Onelife » 19 Oct 2018, 10:14

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 11:34

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 11:35

I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I'd ordered still wasn't in,

"it's not our fault" said the librarian,

"That's the one" I replied.

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Onelife
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Onelife » 19 Oct 2018, 11:45

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be

seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange

brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about

sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies

"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.

It identifies that American Indians have the longest

average penis and Polish men have the biggest average

diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"


He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 11:51

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 11:52

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?”
"No girl, that is no longer possible for me” he replies.
The hooker says: "Come on, what have you got to lose, we can give it a try!?”
They both go inside.
They undress and then he acts like a young man and performs 5 times in a row.
"Oh my goodness", says the hooker, breathless "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”
The old man says: “Oh, scr*wing is still going well, it's paying for it that is no longer possible..”

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by oldbluefox » 19 Oct 2018, 13:17

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
In that instant, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Can I count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 13:53

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 13:56

Learned a lesson today - when airport security say "empty your bag", they mean the one I'm carrying.

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 16:37

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Post by Stephen » 19 Oct 2018, 16:39

The Euro According To Blackadder



Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bo**ocks".

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