Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

My lad has come to me and asked for transformers for Christmas.

Now I don't mind the expense. I mean I can pick them up at screwfix for like £50.

But what on earth does a 5 yr old have that needs to run on 110v

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple??

[Mervyn and Trish]

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Plod are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many glasses of wine and then went onto the port. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from...

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman are working at the top of a tall building and the stopped to unpack thier lunch.
The English looks at his sandwiches and says "For crying out loud, cheese and onion sandwiches..for the past twenty years all she has ever made me is cheese and onion sandwiches".

The Scotsman says "Me too the past twenty years Ham and bl**dy Mustard".

The Irishman says "Aar jeezus for twenty years feckin'egg and cress".

So they make a pact, if they get the same the next day they will commit suicide.

The following day the Englishman gets the same so he throws himself off the building. The scotsman gets the same and throws himself off the building and the Irishman gets the same and he also throws himself off the building.

After the funeral the Wives are talking.
The English wife says" If George wanted a different filling for his sandwiches i would of given something instead of cheese and onion".

The scots Wife says " Same here i would of done something different for Jock".

The Irish wife says " I don't understand...Paddy always made his own sandwiches".

[Stephen]

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[Ray B]

Just got back from the Butchers, he had a board that said 'Turkey from 39 pounds', Hmmm, that's two hundred and fifty pounds cheaper than Thomas Cook.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Theresa May vows Poles can stay in the UK whatever happens with Brexit.

At least until they finish her kitchen.

[oldbluefox]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane”?
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot”.
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand”?
“Why thank you very much” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time”.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously than said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me”?
The farmer said “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that”?
The old lady replied “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens”!

[Stephen]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane”?
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot”.
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand”?
“Why thank you very much” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time”.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously than said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me”?
The farmer said “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that”?
The old lady replied “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens”!

Good one Foxy

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"...The Balcony..."

[Mervyn and Trish]

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[oldbluefox]

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