Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

My wife, children and I have been trapped upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world with the downstairs flood for the last five weeks.

Today the Red Cross pulled up in a boat.

"THANK GOD" I shouted, "Have you come to save us".

"NO" they replied, "we're collecting for Syria"

[oldbluefox]

COMPLETE and FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words...
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation, which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was:..How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer....
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,....and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED! He won a trip to travel around the world.

[qbman1]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father. The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[qbman1]

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

[qbman1]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked damn good for a 62-year-old, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “Tonight's your lucky night.”

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, you still awake?'

[qbman1]

Wife's Diary versus Husband's Diary

Wife¹s Diary (27th Oct 2013):

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster......




Husband's Diary (27th Oct 2013):

Missed a TWO FOOT putt on the 14th ! ! !..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

[qbman1]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious To prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then they All said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

[poole boy]

walking on grass


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Dancing Queen]

MARRIAGE AND MARIJUANA
For those who haven't heard, CALIFORNIA just passed both laws- allowing Gay marriage and legalizing use of marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We obviously just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.