Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A car load of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half burned union flag duct taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bl**dy hell that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[Silver_Shiney]

Geriatric Mr Smith was out walking one day, with a drop-dead gorgeous young lady on his arm, legs up to her armpits, barely-there see-through minidress which hardly contained the top bits, when he met his doctor.

The medic looked aghast and asked "What you do you think you're doing, Mr Smith"

"I'm doing exactly what you told me to do, doc!"

"What was that?"

"You said get a hot mama and be carefree"

"I said nothing of the sort. I told you you had a heart murmur and to be careful"

[qbman1]

Japanese Sex..............



A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!



I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!

Unbelievable!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need help!!

[Stephen]

You got me there qb

[Dancing Queen]

...very funny QB, yep I was trying to read it !!

[qbman1]

You got me there qb

Me too - I even copied it into Google Translator !!!!

[gfwgfw]

Public spirited I went shopping for an old lady

Could not find one anywhere




A lady of the night complained that she had been seriously assaulted . . . .

"when did this happened" asked the friendly Policeman

"when his cheque bounced" said the aggrieved lady




Stephen - A good weekend to you and yours and sorry for my corny contribution to your weekly musings

Graham

[Stephen]

You got me there qb

Me too - I even copied it into Google Translator !!!!

Now that is desperate

[Stephen]

Public spirited I went shopping for an old lady

Could not find one anywhere




A lady of the night complained that she had been seriously assaulted . . . .

"when did this happened" asked the friendly Policeman

"when his cheque bounced" said the aggrieved lady




Stephen - A good weekend to you and yours and sorry for my corny contribution to your weekly musings

Graham

Not at all Graham. As Tesco say "every little helps"

You too have a good weekend.

[Dancing Queen]

The Best Divorce Letter, everrrr!

My Dear husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife.

PS... Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Inverness together! Have a great life without me!


Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.

About the new nightie, I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on it & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed £50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million pounds Lotto Jackpot last Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to holiday in Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't be able to get a penny from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem???

[poole boy]

FW: Bad for legs







A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

[oldbluefox]

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel .
"Your Holiness ", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me? " he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Rory Mcllroy, an Irish golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made.
Of course, Mcllroy was honoured to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Cardinal Mcllroy reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Mcllroy, " said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"And what’s the bad news? " the Pope asked. Mcllroy sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by two strokes."

[oldbluefox]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to B&Q and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for an assistant her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the assistant came over, Mary asked him, "How much is that bath tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated bath tap and the price is £1450.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
Looking along the rack the assistant yelled, "Madam, how about a screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
“No, but I will for the bath tap”

......This is why you can't send women to B&Q.

[oldbluefox]

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!