Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote, "he says, we'll have a new one."

[oldbluefox]

Paddy O'Flanngan took two magnificent stuffed dogs to an Antiques Roadshow.

“Ooh”," said the presenter. “"This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated 'Johns Brothers' - taxidermists of London. They operated at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

"Sticks?”," said Paddy.

[poole boy]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

[poole boy]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold Blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, And she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

Person with folded hands

[poole boy]

9 months later!!!�

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...

[qbman1]

World's worst book titles: There's some real corkers HERE

[oldbluefox]

A man received a message from his neighbour ...:

"Sorry sir I am using your wife...I am using day and night ...I am

using when you are not present at home....



In fact I am using more than you are using.....

I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...

Hope you will accept my sincere apologies "



... And the man shot his wife.......



A few minutes later he received another message:

Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi not wife.