Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

I went to our local cinema last night and saw 12 years.

I was sickened to see how someone could cause so much pain, suffering and hardship to another human being.

£12.99 for a coke and a bag of pop corn.......unbelievable.

[oldbluefox]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example:

A wife came home late at night, and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. She reached for a baseball bat and started hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she went to the kitchen to have a drink
As she entered, she saw her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he said, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

[oldbluefox]

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[oldbluefox]

A young monk arrived at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old Canons and Laws of the Church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was ...

CELEBRATE!"

[qbman1]

DOG FOR SALE

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

[kaymar]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[kaymar]

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference."

The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "Why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

[kaymar]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.
The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back."

[Stephen]

AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING


ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[qbman1]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[qbman1]

As a pregnant woman walked into a bank one day, a man dressed in black came in and shot her three times in the stomach. She was immediately rushed to the hospital.

She survived and had three children... two girls and one boy.

About ten years later, one of the daughters went up to her mother and said..."mom, something really weird happened to me. Yesterday when I was taking a dump I passed a bullet!"

The mother thought for a moment remembering the shooting that happened and told her daughter not to worry about it.

The next day, the second daughter went up to her mother and said "mom, something really weird happened to me. I was taking a dump the other day and I passed a bullet...". The mother told her not to worry about it.

The next day, the son went up to his mom and said "hey mom, guess what happened to me?"

The mom interrupted - "let me guess, you passed a bullet too???"

Then he replied "no... I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

[qbman1]

Two guys are sitting at a bar when one turns to the other one and asks why he looks so down.

The second guy tells him that this morning he was taking sky diving lessons at the airport. He said that when him and the instructor got up in the air and levelled off he panicked and wouldn’t jump, so the instructor told me he was either gonna let him have his way with me or I had to jump.

The first guy asked him "did you jump ?"

The second guy goes "a little.....when he first put it in"

[qbman1]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"

[qbman1]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

... Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................. .....................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................. .................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stonemason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stonemason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stonemason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

.................................................. .................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell a*se cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[Dancing Queen]

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

[Frank Manning]

Is this one too rude, or perhaps you've heard it;

Sign written in the dirt on the back of a truck reads " I wish my Missus was as dirty as this truck"

Underneath someone writes "She is mate, believe me"

Underneath that is "But not as dirty as her mother"

[qbman1]

Is this one too rude, or perhaps you've heard it;

Sign written in the dirt on the back of a truck reads " I wish my Missus was as dirty as this truck"

Underneath someone writes "She is mate, believe me"

Underneath that is "But not as dirty as her mother"

I don't think that's too rude at all Frank - certainly not after some of mine this time !!