Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

Following racist accusations, Jeremy Clarkson has said as a goodwill gesture, and to prove it was all a big misunderstanding he'll invite Lenny Henry onto Top Gear as the Star in the reasonably priced car.

Just as soon as the production team fit a Tracker.

[oldbluefox]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

(groan, groan. But it's clean)

[Stephen]

I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!

[qbman1]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."


So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh*t."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."



Don't mess with old people

[qbman1]

Missing Wife

Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife:

Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping & still has not reached home yet.

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Colour of hair ?

Husband: Changes according to the season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Trouser suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was she going in a car???

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Tell me the number, name & colour of the car ? . . . . . ..

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.

And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. ….and then the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...

[qbman1]

A recent article in the New Zealand Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

[qbman1]

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,

"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "Alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that.....do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

[poole boy]

Subject: THE DECISION


A man called Pete, who lives Nailsea,Station Road to be precise, wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this.

“So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
"I have" says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?”
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new kitchen.”

[Stephen]

Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job, but said his brother Klippity might be interested.

[oldbluefox]

Jose Mourinho has recommended Nigel Farage for the Manchester United manager's job as he is certain to keep them out of Europe.

[qbman1]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this sh*t but me."

[Stephen]

BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line .

I think you will find it's spelt " Rolls ".

[Silver_Shiney]

Goober airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow.

The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt.

He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide!"

[gfwgfw]

A very old Bull together with a very young Bull

Overseeing a field of very attractive heifers

The young Bull "Lets rush down and have one of those glorious heifers"


The old Bull "Lets take a leisurely stroll down to the green pasture, and have the bloody lot "

Luboo all Friday jokers and jesters

[Silver_Shiney]

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?"

[oldbluefox]

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer ar5e!"