Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

'David Cameron stung by jellyfish'

"I felt the slimy spineless creature come into contact with me before feeling a sickening pain".... said the jellyfish.

[oldbluefox]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, ' he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

'Your horse phoned'

[oldbluefox]

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? .......wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[poole boy]

A Chinese, Frenchman, Englishman and a Pakistani are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the ‘End of the World Cliffs’ in Sagres, Portugal.

They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.

"Why did you do that?" ask the others.

"We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it."

The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says, "Don't you fu**ing dare!"

[poole boy]

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'











Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.



This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’







It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[Stephen]

My wife keeps complaining about how I sit around on my a*se all day doing s*d all and how I only empty the bin once a month.

I don't care though, I love working for the council.

[qbman1]

Why do Welsh horses run so fast?
Because they have seen what the farmers do to the sheep!


What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual!


What do you call a Welshman with 40 wives?
A shepherd!


What's the most common lie a Welshman tells?
"I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence!"


A Welshman was counting his sheep.
"205, 206, 207, Hello darling, 208, 209......"


The Welsh farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell is this?" he screamed.
"Well," replied his wife, "If it's good enough for your girlfriend, then it's good enough for you!"

[qbman1]

One day a travelling salesman was driving around rural Wales and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse. After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"

"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Arthur........."

"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"

"It will cost you £100." replied the farmer.

The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"

"Well," said the farmer, "the local magistrate takes out £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things."

"Oh," answered the man, "so that's £40 for the magistrate and £60 for Arthur."

The farmer shook his head, "No, the local constable also takes £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things!"

"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the magistrate gets £40, the cop gets £40 that only leaves £20 for Arthur! That’s no way to make a living!"

The farmer shook his head again and said, "No - We pay Gareth and Dai £10 each to hold Arthur down, because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"

[Stephen]

My wife was so ugly as a child the local paedophile used to eat his own sweets.

[Not so ancient mariner]

ADMINISTRATIUM

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[qbman1]

There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

[qbman1]

The following is allegedly an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company [Larnrod Eireann].


Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan



Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann



Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

[qbman1]

Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face?

Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!

Friend: With whom?

Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.

Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?

Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!

Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?

Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!

Friend: But what did she look like?

Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!

Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!

Railway inspector: I don't know, I never found her head.

[qbman1]

I know we had this one a few weeks back but it still makes me smile....


I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,

"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched,

"It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry.

Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Ray Scully]

Chatting with an ex colleague re what he is going to be doing in retirement.

Well, he has applied for a planning permission for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.




The Local Authority told him; “ Don't waste our time. Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”




So, he sent in the application again, but this time he called it a 'Mosque'.




Work starts on Monday.

[Not so ancient mariner]

There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

It's a nice idea Cubie................but a diuretic is a substance or drug that promotes the production of urine: thereby having the opposite effect to the one claimed.

[qbman1]

There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

It's a nice idea Cubie................but a diuretic is a substance or drug that promotes the production of urine: thereby having the opposite effect to the one claimed.

Once a chemist......!!