Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

Police searching for Madeleine McCann in Portugal have widened the search area.

A spokesman said they will soon be moving on to the Bahamas and hope to include Las Vegas before the end of the holiday season.

[Ray Scully]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for €5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only €150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for €5000.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend €5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here where Jesus Christ died and you would spend only €150 ?"

The man replied, "Oh yeah, I remember about that Jesus guy who died & was buried here, but then three sodding days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."
Fight for what is right!

[poole boy]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow.....what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.



"What do you mean?" she asked.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. Then you can go over to the shop, where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."




Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.!

[Stephen]

"You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" claims the advert,

Imagine my confusion as I was lead away in handcuffs from one of their jets.

[gfwgfw]

To keep cool at a football match, stand next to a fan

[oldbluefox]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00...on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Decorate my house."

[Stephen]

Sounds about right