Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so I decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have now been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

[Not so ancient mariner]

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my six year old son…” Dave replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that,” continued Dave, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little b***er has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said Dave. "The little s*d stuck a pin though all my condoms.”

[Not so ancient mariner]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo, and the place is absolutely packed. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone would like him to play a request.. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice;

"Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts;

"No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A bit pee'd off by this, Stevie - being the professional that he is - dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man then jumps up again;

"No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage;

"How about you get up here and do it?!"

To his amazement, the litte old man climbs up onto the stage and grabs a microphone. As the crowd falls silent, he clears his throat and belts out;

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

[Not so ancient mariner]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll be struck off! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"




The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[poole boy]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

(A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FECKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

[Stephen]

The UK Passport office should take a lesson from Pakistan.

They don't seem to have any problem issuing British passports.

[Silver_Shiney]

Only a farm kid would see it this way!




When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.


A boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No, he went with Mom and Dad."


The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".


The boy thought for a moment...then say's, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[gfwgfw]

Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so I decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have now been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~
Hi ya Stephen

Again you made me

Laugh out loud

Thanks

. . . and have yourself a very happy weekend in sunny whatsoever

Luboo

The Oh So Lonely Giant of Cerne Abass

[Stephen]

Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so I decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have now been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~
Hi ya Stephen

Again you made me

Laugh out loud

Thanks

. . . and have yourself a very happy weekend in sunny whatsoever

Luboo

The Oh So Lonely Giant of Cerne Abass

You have a good weekend to Graham. Sorry to hear your feeling lonely. Have you thought about getting a cat for some company, or would that upset your ferrets.

Cheers from a grey Costa Del Maldon.

Typical, the one day you want some decent weather when holding a BBQ, and true to form it's cr*p. Oh well, struggle on regardless

[Dancing Queen]

Hope your 'offspring' pay you a visit today Graham but if not come on here and we'll all 'adopt' you for the day

[oldbluefox]

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search, looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."

[oldbluefox]

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr. Old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr. Old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.... Smack his a*se again!"

[kaymar]

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr. Old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr. Old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.... Smack his a*se again!"

[oldbluefox]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..


[ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. !! ]

[Dancing Queen]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims.
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****ing Brick wall!"