Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[Onelife]

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you should get to know him first.

[Not so ancient mariner]

Why Old Men Don't Get Jobs Easily...

At Job interview:

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old man: "Honesty."

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I really don't give a sh*t what you think."

[poole boy]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
After his operation the doctors advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs
in his crotch.
Worried that it might be another surgery needed that the doctors
hadn't told him about yet, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up sufficiently, that he could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three
wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily
--- if at all...!!!!!!!!
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over
last week and gave a ticket to!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[Not so ancient mariner]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
After his operation the doctors advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs
in his crotch.
Worried that it might be another surgery needed that the doctors
hadn't told him about yet, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up sufficiently, that he could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three
wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily
--- if at all...!!!!!!!!
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over
last week and gave a ticket to!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

I bet it brought tears to his!!

[poole boy]

Heaven and Hell



While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter..
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to
do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne..

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think
I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. '
I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and
we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were
campaigning.. ...

Today you voted.

[Stephen]

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you should get to know him first.

Or, the other answer is, 'give him some biscuits and he might let you'