Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

I'm thinking of sending my wife out to Malaysia to help find missing flight MH370.

She has an extraordinary ability to bring stuff up that anyone else would have forgot about months ago.

[qbman1]

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, my lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said his lordship.

"I am doing crossword in 'The Times' and I have found a word about which I am not too clear."

"What word is that?" asked his lordship.

"The word is 'aplomb', my lord."

"That is a difficult word to explain. I would say it means 'self-assurance' or 'complete composure'."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Then, let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"Of course, my lord, I remember the occasion very well. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember that William plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was indeed present on that occasion, my lord."

"And while plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself very deeply in his thumb?"

"Yes," replied Carson. "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"And that evening, the prick on his thumb was so sore that Kate had to cut up his venison, even though being from our own estate it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my lord, I saw and heard what transpired."

"Then the next morning, while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of William in a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick still throbbing this morning?'"

"And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! That was aplomb!"

[qbman1]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Stephen]

I've complete sympathy for the latest victims of Rolf Harris to have come forward.

It must have been terrible living with amnesia until now.

[Stephen]

What's the difference between offering gastric band surgery to obese people to help combat the onset of type II diabetes and simply saying: "Lose some weight, you fat b*****d."?

One is NICE, the other is not NICE.

[qbman1]

A little boy says to his mother

"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're f***ing lucky you don't bark!

[qbman1]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways
in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to
tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her
back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see
how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you f@rt.”

[poole boy]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the
60-year-old man. "You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you
stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You
take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and
nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is
the worst age of all.."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the
60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel
movement?"asked the 70-year old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00
and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00 ."

[Stephen]

What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious?

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.

[oldbluefox]

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."


"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the World Cup."

"You crafty b*****d!" said the fairy.

[poole boy]

Scottish independence

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom” (FUK).


In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, the Government is planning a campaign with the slogan "Vote NO, for FUK's sake".


They feel that Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.