Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

What is Celibacy?



Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?



And thus began my life of celibacy.........

[Kendhni]

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[qbman1]

INTERESTING PIECE OF HISTORY!

In 1802 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.
In 1822 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep.

[Quizzical Bob]

What is Celibacy?



Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?



And thus began my life of celibacy.........

On one occasion we were at the checkout in a supermarket and the girl said "do you have a bag?" I know I shouldn't have, but "yes, she's right behind me" was too good to miss.

[qbman1]

Warming Banker Story - get the Kleenex out before you read on............


One afternoon a banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.Intrigued, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the banker said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the banker replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the banker answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The banker replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming banker story....did you?

[Stephen]

My gay mate, no to YOU the other one, is Dyslexic and is really looking forward to February the 14th and Vaseline Day.

[Stephen]

Love your sheep joke QB

[qbman1]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that. The Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it’s not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are bu99ered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's a*se and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,


Susan

[Stephen]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"



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"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[qbman1]

The answer is "Cock Robin"....now what's the question ?




"What's that in my mouth Batman?"

[Dark Knight]

QB
how does Robin talk with his mouth full

muppet

[qbman1]

Australian humour..........can't beat it!


A Northern Territory Aboriginal farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

Boss….you there Boss.... ?

[Dancing Queen]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly person.

Ten Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
It too.
10) You are probably going to copy this on to see who else falls for it.

[Silver_Shiney]

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Is there something you want to tell us, Ken?

[Meg 50]

The Old Monk
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

[Dancing Queen]

WARNING - ICY CONDITIONS!
A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take: a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves 24 hours supply of food and drink, de-icer, 5kgs of rock salt, torch or lantern with spare batteries, road flares, reflective triangles and one complete First Aid Kit!


I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning