Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

[oldbluefox]

Two policemen call their detachment on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here where a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[oldbluefox]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines:
"One line for the men who were true heads of their own household, And the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their own household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God then turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[oldbluefox]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10lb...Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for £44."
She says, "That's amazing ,you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally broke wind. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had been the culprit.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get £58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish Bait is £3.50

[Stephen]

Learned a lesson today - when airport security say "empty your bag", they mean the one I'm carrying.

[poole boy]

Not everyone is as considerate!

THE NUDE RUNNER!

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your
arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope .. just when it's raining.'

[poole boy]

50 Shades etc






Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . ..
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .You do it . . . . !!"

[poole boy]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.



At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks,

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the glass coming

[Stephen]

A little girl asked her Mum,

"Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies,

"No, because she is on heat."

What does that mean?" asked the
child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but
she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent and said

"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"





The little girl said,

"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home."

[oldbluefox]

A true story from the Manchester Evening Times -

Last Wednesday, a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the driver said
"Are you OK? I'm so sorry but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied" No, no, I'm the one who is sorry. It is entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for 25 years.

[oldbluefox]

Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my sports car.
Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?
Husband: Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.3 7G-Tronic Edition 125 Coupe finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather AMG Sport Seats and Brushed Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, Multi-Media Interface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with Memory; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry, pal. We’ll find your car...