Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time


Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

[Onelife]

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!" The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?" The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!" Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, "See? That man has balls!" The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!" The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?" The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself." Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!" The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!" The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?" The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!" The seaman replies, "F**k you, sir!" The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too'

[poole boy]

The IRISH 999 CALL


An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.

Irish woman: ''It's my f....n husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat ............What's next?''

[poole boy]

Subject: The Welsh Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Wales.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales”

[Stephen]

How was the Grand Canyon formed?

Someone dropped 20 cents down a rabbit hole at a Jewish Convention

[Stephen]

New sex position found and take it from me, its bl**dy awesome! Its called the bronco, and what you do is get ya missus in a doggy style position, get yourself ready and slowly start doing your thing, give it a minute or so then tell her
"your not as good as your sister "
Now hold on for dear life! Enjoy.

[Onelife]

[gfwgfw]

Bristol Public Transportation press release


"Our innovative investment in using local sewage to power vehicles on the number two route are both regular and frequent, and represent good value of just two turds a fare stage"

A pleasant weekend to Stephen and his playmates

Lubooo all

Graham

[oldbluefox]

An old one but still worth sharing.............................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

[oldbluefox]

"Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year's winning submissions:
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it !
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[Ray Scully]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands,
and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then
finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then
he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After awhile the girl
spoke again, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin ... perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he
blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After awhile, the
girl spoke again, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin ... perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand
on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After awhile the girl
spoke again, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more
serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation
of the utlimate request.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Stephen]

Jeremy Clarkson has been dropped by the BBC. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

[qbman1]

How about a picture from me today.....

[Stephen]

Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

[Raybosailor]

New sex position found and take it from me, its bl**dy awesome! Its called the bronco, and what you do is get ya missus in a doggy style position, get yourself ready and slowly start doing your thing, give it a minute or so then tell her
"your not as good as your sister "
Now hold on for dear life! Enjoy.

Tried that one Stephen but couldn't get a saddle to fit her.

[Onelife]

New sex position found and take it from me, its bl**dy awesome! Its called the bronco, and what you do is get ya missus in a doggy style position, get yourself ready and slowly start doing your thing, give it a minute or so then tell her
"your not as good as your sister "
Now hold on for dear life! Enjoy.

Tried that one Stephen but couldn't get a saddle to fit her.

Ray


Try putting the bit between her teeth first that should make it easier

[Raybosailor]

Thanks for the tip Onelife you and Stephen are obviously more experienced at this sort of thing than me, you're talking to the man that thought "Fifty Shades Of Grey" was an advert for monochrome wallpaper.

[Stephen]

New sex position found and take it from me, its bl**dy awesome! Its called the bronco, and what you do is get ya missus in a doggy style position, get yourself ready and slowly start doing your thing, give it a minute or so then tell her
"your not as good as your sister "
Now hold on for dear life! Enjoy.

Tried that one Stephen but couldn't get a saddle to fit her.

Ray


Try putting the bit between her teeth first that should make it easier

Which bit are we talking about........smut smut and more smut

[qbman1]

A father buys a "lie detector robot" that slaps people when they lie & he
decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says,
"Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs & says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[qbman1]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE !

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."