Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Stephen
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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It's Friday Fun Time :lol:



This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that feckin idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'


poole boy
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Unread post by poole boy »

Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan:

Say you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is
no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four
bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll
receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating
& air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you
need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need
a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least
as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any
more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?


Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week..

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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My mate asked me what I did for Easter.

The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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I turned into a cat earlier.

Don't ask meow.

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Not so ancient mariner
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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4 lady friends meet at a reunion 30 years after finishing university

One goes to get food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the Lady, ​"​he is doing very well for himself, thank you.​"​

" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..."

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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I hate those people who always have to be one up on you...

You tell then you've been to Tenerife and they say they've been to Elevenerife.

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oldbluefox
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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65 years ago a little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out, knocked on her door and said,
"Ma'am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.
And here it is:

Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!!!
I was taught to be cautious

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oldbluefox
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle gobbing off about how lazy the British are, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days.
This old Geordie man mutters.......Way Ay man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.
The German trucker snorted and said....Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving ?
The old fella replied....... a LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!!
I was taught to be cautious

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oldbluefox
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh, yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you....”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she
says:
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
I was taught to be cautious

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Mervyn and Trish
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Unread post by Mervyn and Trish »

There are two kinds of people. There are those who finish.

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