Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time


Two 90 year old men, Dave and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Dave visits him every day.

One day Dave says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played
Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you
get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Dave from his death bed," Dave, you've been my best friend for
many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Dave is awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Dave, Dave."

"Who is it? asks Dave sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Dave-it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Dave.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all
of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that,we're all
young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of
all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Dave. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"I've just seen the team sheet and you're playing Tuesday!"

[oldbluefox]

Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, back flips, moon walking, the works.
The wife says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down."
I replied, "Looks like he’s still celebrating."

​**************************************

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a policewoman’s uniform.
He finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

​******************************************​

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink I will ave to go home: I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks, " ‘Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies, "No, I only live round the corner."

*********************************************​

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

[oldbluefox]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL.....

MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

[oldbluefox]

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fitted perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Stephen]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.

"Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

[Not so ancient mariner]

A letter left on the fridge door - and a reply left on he dining room table



My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can't satisfy. I am happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the Premier Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home well before midnight.

When the man came home early that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thanks for your honesty about me being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Holiday Inn with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 19 years old.

As a businessman , you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, I will not be home until late tomorrow.

[Stephen]

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said.....

"Sorry, my fault."

[Stephen]

All this argument about spending £100 million on replacing trident.

Given that we are short of money, why hasn't anyone thought of painting the old missiles instead?

Whilst we're at it. Let's not bother with HS2

Simply run another 2,000 volts through the existing cables and the trains will go faster.

[oldbluefox]

Heard in the confession box.........
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last night I killed a politician.............."
"My daughter, I am here to listen to your sins, not your community service work".

[oldbluefox]

Not really a joke but interesting nonetheless.........................

A young couple moves into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look!