Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on David Cameron to the first person he sees there.

''I'm not really sure if I am the right person for this job,'' the person replies.

''Yes, that's the one!''

[Onelife]

Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas." 

[Stephen]

BBC NEWS: 100 billion barrels of oil found beneath Gatwick.

CNN NEWS: USA to invade Gatwick due to reports of hiding weapons of mass destruction.

[oldbluefox]

Great quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: -
If it tastes good spit it out.

[Frank Manning]

Brilliant guys!! Especially OBF the one about the wife stopping to breathe occasionally! Sue has threatened me not to tell the one about the monkey in her presence!!

[Stephen]

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

[Ray Scully]

A husband and wife were sat watching a programmed on TV about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions"

The husband turned to the wife and said; "That's an absolute load of rubbish (or words to that effect). I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife said; "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d*ck".


A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed...As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.'And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.Wright would not be hanged tonight.Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!'

[Mervyn and Trish]

Another excellent quote

"The trouble with experience is by the time you've got it, it's all you've got"

(Lyrics of Starlight Express)

[Mervyn and Trish]

My young daughter caught me naked and pointing to my b@lls said, "Daddy, what are those for?"

"Four!!!!!" I exclaimed, shocked

[Not so ancient mariner]

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

Yes, cat scans have been replaced by Lab tests

[Not so ancient mariner]

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[Stephen]

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

Yes, cat scans have been replaced by Lab tests

[Stephen]

BBC NEWS: WORLDS OLDEST MAN DIES AT 114

He was just asking for trouble doing that speed.

[gfwgfw]

Hey HO

Yet another Friday laugh with Stephen and his amusing cohorts

Have a pleasant wild rabbit pie w/e

Lubooo you all

Graham