For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4,
this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the
obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price
of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be
ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK then, I want to die after a Labour Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.
"You crafty little b*****d," said the genie.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. Gripping the wall, he eventually made it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray, were his favorite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
A circus owner runs an advert for a 'lion tamer wanted' and two peopleshowed up......
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties
The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."
Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the
cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!!
He says "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4,
this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the
obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price
of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be
ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
Three Nun's who have recently died make their way to the gates of heaven, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.
"Welcome to heaven, ladies. However, I must tell you, that to get in you each must answer one question I give to you." says Peter.
The first Nun steps forward, and Saint Peter asks, "According to the Bible, who was the first man on Earth?"
To which the Nun replied, "Adam!"
"Correct!" replied Saint Peter, and let the Nun through the gates.
The next Nun steps forward, and Saint Peter asks, "According to the Bible, who was the first woman on Earth?"
"Eve!" replied the Nun.
"Correct!" replied Saint Peter, and let the Nun through the gates.
The third and final Nun steps up, and expects an easy question like the previous two Nun's received, and Saint Peter asks, "When Eve was introduced to the Earth, what was the first thing she thought, when she saw Adam?"
"Oh that's a hard one.." says the Nun.
"Correct!" replied Saint Peter, and let the final Nun through the gates.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so the men order a Martini each.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis -- shaken, not stirred -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That'll be 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired plumber from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired folk from Scotland, and they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!"
Enjoy ! (Remember the SNP are counting on your vote on 7th May !!!!)
The views and comments posted in these fora are personal and do not necessarily represent those of the Management of Cruise Community Forum.
The Management of the Cruise Community Forum does not, under any circumstances whatsoever, accept any responsibility for any advice, or recommendations, made by, or implied by, any member or guest visitor of Cruise Community Forum that results in any loss whatsoever in any manner to a member of Cruise Community Forum, or to any other person.
Furthermore, the Management of Cruise Community Forum is not, and cannot be, responsible for the content of any other Internet site(s) that have been linked to from Cruise Community Forum.
