If you want 3 square meals a day, plenty of TLC and the touch of a good, honest woman, try this little ditty on your wife next time she asks which of your clothes need washing.
"If it's on the chair, one more wear.... If it's on the floor, wash it ya whore...!!"
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ' Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. BBC Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on..... Just stick out your tongue!"
Arthur is 85 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."
"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
A South Wales bus company says it will withdraw an advertising campaign which shows an attractive semi-naked woman on the back of buses holding a billboard which reads: "Ride me all day for £3".
Local prostitutes complained the advert was misleading as it depicted an unrealistic level of attractiveness and undercut their price by 25%
Mum, what is marriage?
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents any longer.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
A very rich (is there one who isn't ?) Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not including the Jew again.
The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender: "what the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 113 of them but him, and all the silly beggar does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ?"
"Nope", replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
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