Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time


I got asked if I would sponsor an African child. They can s*d off.

Have you seen how far they can walk with a bucket?

[Onelife]

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.

The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first 

[Stephen]

A food bank for Koreans has been opened up near us.

You can hear the barking and yelping for miles around.

[Meg 50]

After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour", Bill notices green lumps on his willy.

So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains, "You know how wrestlers and rugby union players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

[Mervyn and Trish]

The Madam at the brothel hears the door bell ring and goes to answer it.

At first she can see no-one, but glancing down she sees a man with no arms and no legs on the step.

"I want your best woman", he says.

"Why", says the Madam. "You've got no arms and no legs. What can you do with her?"

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?" he replies.

[Onelife]

The Madam at the brothel hears the door bell ring and goes to answer it.

At first she can see no-one, but glancing down she sees a man with no arms and no legs on the step.

"I want your best woman", he says.

"Why", says the Madam. "You've got no arms and no legs. What can you do with her?"

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?" he replies.

lol

[Stephen]

My wife is the double of Kate Moss.
Kate is eight stone and my wife is sixteen stone.

[Stephen]

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The priest coughs, still nothing. Then the priest knocks on the wall three times to get his attention. The drunk finally speaks saying, “No use knocking mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

[Onelife]

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The priest coughs, still nothing. Then the priest knocks on the wall three times to get his attention. The drunk finally speaks saying, “No use knocking mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

[Mervyn and Trish]

The trainee priest is on duty taking confession for the first time.

"Father I have sinned," says the man in the box. "I've had oral sex. Father forgive me."

The young priest flips through the notes given to him by Father Brian on what is appropriate penance but can find no mention of oral sex in the list.

"One moment my son," he says and goes to seek Father Brian for advice.

He discovers Father Brian has gone shopping but sees one of the senior choirboys in the vestry.

"I need your help", he says. "What does Father Brian give for oral sex?"

"Well", says the choirboy, " it varies, but usually a bag of toffees or a bottle of pop."

[Meg 50]

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad answered, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

[Stephen]

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad answered, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

Good one Meg

[Stephen]

I've just found a stray cat that was singing "I'm so happy clap along if you feel........"

It must be feral.

[Stephen]

At a wedding, I turn to the lady next to me, and say, "I give it six months."

"That's very insensitive," she spat. "Why do you think that?"

I replied, "Because I'm her doctor."

[Mervyn and Trish]

A bloke goes to his doctor, who says "I'm afraid you very ill. I'd give you 6 at most."

"Six what Doc? Years? Months? Weeks?"

"5, 4, 3 ......."

[Not so ancient mariner]

The Swear word may be appropriate!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is
hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. She goes over
and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks
it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all
those f#@&ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should
have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.....