There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a c*ck."
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...
So starts many a good joke. Other areas of the world have similar starts to their jokes, for example in Scandinavia, it's "There's a Norwegian, a Swede and a Finn"
This was told to me by a Malaysian:
There was a Thai, a Malaysian and a Phillipino working on the construction of a skyscraper. They sit down on a protruding iron beam one day, like you see in that classic photo of workers building a skyscraper in New York, to have their lunch.
The Thai opens his lunch box and exclaims in disgust "Chicken satay AGAIN. For the last 20 years, I've had chicken satay for lunch. My wife knows I can't stand it. If I have this just once more, I'm going to kill myself."
The Malaysian opens his lunch box and exclaims in disgust "Prawn crackers and chilli sauce AGAIN. For the last 20 years, I've had prawn crackers and chilli sauce for lunch. My wife knows I can't stand it. If I have this just once more, I'm going to kill myself."
The Phillipino opens his lunch box and exclaims in disgust "Lumpia rolls AGAIN. For the last 20 years, I've had lumpia rolls for lunch. My wife knows I can't stand it. If I have this just once more, I'm going to kill myself."
The next day, they meet again for lunch.
The Thai opens his lunch box and exclaims in disgust "Chicken satay AGAIN. That's it, I'm going to kill myself." And with that, he jumps off the girder and falls 200 feet to his death.
The Malaysian opens his lunch box and exclaims in disgust "Prawn crackers and chilli sauce AGAIN. That's it, I'm going to kill myself." And with that, he jumps off the girder and falls 200 feet to his death.
The Phillipion opens his lunch box and exclaims in disgust "Lumpia rolls AGAIN. That's it, I'm going to kill myself." And with that, he jumps off the girder and falls 200 feet to his death.
A joint funeral is held for the three workmates.
The Thai's wife sobs "I don't understand it. For the last 20 years, I've made him chicken satay. I thought he loved it. If only I'd known...."
The Malaysian's wife sobs "I don't understand it. For the last 20 years, I've made him prawn crackers and chilli. I thought he loved it. If only I'd known...."
The Phillipino's wife sobs "I don't understand it. For the last 20 years, he's made his own lunch"
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. “You look great tonight!” it said, “You really look fantastic… And that aftershave is just wonderful!”
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he is out of cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, another voice comes out of the machine. “You w**ker… Oh my god you stink… And do you know, you’re almost as ugly as your mother!”
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation.
“Ah yes sir,” the barman responds, “The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.”
Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasnt perfect they got along very well.
One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have u any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home
No, i mean what is the foundation of this case
It made of concrete
I dont think u understand. Does either of u have a real grudge
No, we have a carport and not need one
I mean what are ur relations like
All my relations are in Poland
Is there any infidelity in ur marriage
We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player
Does ur wife beat u up
No i always up before her
Is ur wife a nagger
No she white
Why do u want this divorce
She going to kill me
What makes u think that
I got proof
What kind of proof
She going to poison me
She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say:
POLISH REMOVER!!.
Paddy goes out and buys himself a metal detector and heads off down to the beach.
Four hours later when he's down a 40 foot hole he realises he still has got his steel toe cap boots on.
Paddy goes out and buys himself a metal detector and heads off down to the beach.
Four hours later when he's down a 40 foot hole he realises he still has got his steel toe cap boots on.
A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches
His eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that
Kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own
Them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
Realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit
Of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos
Across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow
Jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
A new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than
Before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's
Worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole
City of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the
Beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the guy... "You own the whole city?" The hooker says, "No. But
I would if I had a pussy!"
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the sh*t out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a c*ck."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I have no idea - my wife told me to stand here!
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the court the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "Hm, then I think I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
An elderly Yorkshireman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs..
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
'"xxxxx" off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not - it's only 2130 now."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a local jeweller to remember it by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller : "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger".
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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