Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

Very disappointing watching England vs Japan in the Women's World Cup semis.
I think we were all hoping to see the nips out at the end of the game.

[oldbluefox]

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all !! A cook prepared my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, and I could still go to school. . ..
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol,? Divorce?
Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison

[oldbluefox]

One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.
When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give 50,000 Euros to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 Euros to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 Euros, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief," What are you going to do with all that money?
"Well," said Paddy Murphy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!"

[oldbluefox]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I have no idea - my wife told me to stand here!

[Silver_Shiney]

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all !! A cook prepared my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, and I could still go to school. . ..
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol,? Divorce?
Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison

Sadly, that's only too true

[Stephen]

Paddy - I'm going to take up farming.
Murphy - Do you want to buy my sheep pens ?
Paddy - Stuff me, I didn't know they could write.

[Stephen]

We had a few drinks at home on Saturday night and, out of the blue, the wife said "I want you to lead me upstairs, take all my clothes off and kiss and lick every little bit of me."
I looked at her and said "S*d off, you daft bitch, I've got to be at work Monday!"

[Ray Scully]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[Ray Scully]

Double blow for Val Doonican's familly today.

Not only has he died but there's no way they'll be able to shift those jumpers in this weather!

[Ray Scully]

I'm sweating like a Greek MP on the phone to Wonga.

[Stephen]

Before I got married, I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

[qbman1]

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “Sally, I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

[qbman1]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..







'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Ray Scully]

Before I got married, I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

Soooo true

[Mervyn and Trish]

Is there a right way?

[qbman1]

Best ask Mrs Stephen

[Ray Scully]

Is there a right way?

Yes... the opposite to the way you have just done it

[Frank Manning]

Brilliant fellahs, you just brightened up my day.

[Ray Scully]

Little Stavros comes home from school and asked his dad "what is the government" ? .It,s like our family , says dad, " I am the president, your mum is the parliament
our maid is the worker ,you are the people and your baby brother is the future". That night in bed Stavros heard his baby brother crying so he went to his bedroom and
found he had crapped in his nappy, He went to mum,s room and looked through the keyhole to see if they were asleep . His mum was on her back ,snoring her head off
and dad was missing. He went to the maids room, looked through the keyhole and saw his dad humping the maid , so back to bed .
Next day at school when the teacher asked ," what is the government " ? , little Stavros said , " the president is screwing the workers, the parliament is fast asleep ,no one gives a toss about the people and the future is in the s - - t.