A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
The British Border Agency is asking English citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.
If you see the vehicle, pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police, as the U K border police will miss it!
The British Border Agency is asking English citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.
If you see the vehicle, pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police, as the U K border police will miss it!
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in agonizing pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and...
IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every
function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes,
then spoke to him slowly enunciating clearly each word and
syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless
collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond economic
repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their
Giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Sharon-Tracy Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom, crying! My youngest two, Chardonnay-Mercedes and Chardonnay-Mercedes slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." A reporter enquired if the other 2 children were also called Chardonnay-Mercedes, on learning the news that this was the case, the mother explained that she used the children's surnames when calling them to avoid confusion.
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Pound-land.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss it gotta do wiv you?
A major earthquake measuring 3.6 on the Richter Scale hit North Yorkshire on Monday evening with its epicentre in Ripon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "AY-OOP".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £24.50 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the One man and His Dog shop were damaged beyond economic repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giro's arrived. Yorkshire FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Yorkshire.
Apparently drug dealing, burglary and murder were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of bread ‘n dripping to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including coal, benefit books, betting slips and deep fat fryers from pound land.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Burberry flat caps
Jackets with elbow protectors and leather collars (with pocket watch and chain)
Corduroy trousers with deep zipped pockets and Acme dog whistle
Knitted socks and stays
White trainers, with Blakey’s
And any other items usually sold in Primark’s North outlet.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Carrots and turnips, tins of mushy peas, Yorkshire puddings and cans of John Smiths.
22p buys a Quill and ink for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys pie and chips, peas and gravy for a family of 9. £5 buys E by Gum, 20 dog ends and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
they told me last night that today was tomorrow.