Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time


My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"

I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."

[Stephen]

My girlfriend really wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live on her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant.

We're on next Tuesday.

[poole boy]

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on
Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's
details' or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout No. 10.
It takes First prize and No. 3 is runner up....

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please
send me his phone number? Thanks .

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced .

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country . Please advise...

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with
him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was
also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized .

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you ****.

[Mervyn and Trish]

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised..... she wanted to rent her spare room out.

[Ray Scully]

The reason WHY I'm Divorced




Last week was my Birthday and I didn't feel very happy waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'


I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.


My kids came bouncing downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'


I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'


I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'


He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'


'Ok.' I nervously replied.


He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....




on the couch....



naked.

[Ray Scully]

TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway, and McMurray the boss, had to choose between a couple of rough looking Aussie guys from Port Pirie and two hefty Irishmen.

So the boss met both teams and said. "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, the two Port Pirie guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, the Irish team came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked. "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed. "We got three in."

"The boss gasped. "Three ! Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Mick. " But you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[Mervyn and Trish]

Airport Full Body Scan Status Report

Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport full body scans.

Airport security services disclosed the following screening results for December 2014

Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know.

[gfwgfw]

Biggest RIP OFF ever



Velcro

[gfwgfw]

. . . . . and a good weekend to Stephen and his playmates

Lubbbooo all

Graham

[oldbluefox]

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your t*ts twice a day ... AND only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

[Stephen]

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised..... she wanted to rent her spare room out.

Good one Merv

[Stephen]

My cat used to star in the Whiskas ads, but they laid him off a couple of years ago. He hasn't found a job since.

So much for them always landing on their feet.

[Stephen]

What do you call a genie's dog?

A Labracadabrador.

[Ray Scully]

The inventor of the anagram has died.
May he "erect a penis".

[Mervyn and Trish]

The inventor of the anagram has died.
May he "erect a penis".

Brilliant

[oldbluefox]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

[Quizzical Bob]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

Or 6 times a day. That would be 48 miles

[towny44]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were
taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.