Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time



Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Onelife]

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job. Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

[oldbluefox]

Advert seen in a local paper
For Sale Camping toilet as new, only used once. Cost £20 will accept £8. Stool £2 Telephone Barrow ****** after 6.30pm

[Stephen]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast 'til the chores are done.
Well, now he's a little p*ssed off.
He goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says... I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says:
'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

[qbman1]

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[qbman1]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy replies, “Hey, why not.”

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly.

“Paint…my….house.”

[Stephen]

A group of dyslexic South Africans have now spent 3yrs & 3 months holding a vigil outside a Cape Town ‘Nissan Maindealer’

[qbman1]

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[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

North-Korea-Rocket-Launch-Fails.jpg

[Mervyn and Trish]

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[Stephen]

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"