Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

[Onelife]

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day." "But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday"!

[oldbluefox]

Statistics just released from the UK Top Medical Team reveal that men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two or three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to me and most of my mates, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.

[oldbluefox]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

[oldbluefox]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Airline Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby started crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Airline Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[Ray Scully]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his Colt pistol and yelled,

"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"


A voice from the back of the room called out...


"You'll need more ammo!”

[Ray Scully]

Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I re-attached them and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen.”

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and two years later he won a Gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana. He rode a horse head-on into a train travelling eighty miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass.

I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U.S.A!"

[Stephen]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[oldbluefox]

[Stephen]

What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mum.

[oldbluefox]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday" !!!

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's, 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent bold move by the Ferrari management team, as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Stephen]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday" !!!

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's, 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent bold move by the Ferrari management team, as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[oldbluefox]

Here's the story...................
Its still hard to believe the way it turned out.
My wife said she wanted a ride-on lawn mower.
She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and I thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside.
So, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a ride-on lawn mower. I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. I even put a light on it so she could work at night after she finishes putting away the dinner dishes. To this day I still cant understand why some women are so hard to please!

(see photo below)

Lawn mower.jpg

P.S. I can see out of my left eye pretty well now and should be able to leave the hospital soon!