Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work. Now the whole system is corrupt.

[Ray Scully]

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date,Sue. Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the village dance hall or see a film. Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

[Stephen]

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

[oldbluefox]

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in neighbouring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Stephen]

"Is this ointment okay to use? " a man asks a chemist

"Why what's wrong with it? the chemist enquires

"Well it says apply locally and I'm not from round here"

[qbman1]

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.

Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."

Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.

When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.

The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 400 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 400 years
ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters and shortly after, headlines in the
Daily Mail were: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 500 year old
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, 'The Western Mail', reported that: 'After digging as deep as
30 meters in a peat bog near
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Owain Rhydian
Thomas the Jones, a local self taught archaeologist and ferret-sexer,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr Jones has therefore concluded
that 600 years ago Wales had already gone wireless