A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.
The librarian says, "Get the f*** out."
The man replies, "That's the one."
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
It's Friday Fun Time
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.
The librarian says, "Get the f*** out."
The man replies, "That's the one."
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.
The librarian says, "Get the f*** out."
The man replies, "That's the one."
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oldbluefox
- Ex Team Member
- Posts: 12527
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter and two of my old friends are coming over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
Touched, the postal worker showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Easter came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice evening and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there were 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Edna
The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter and two of my old friends are coming over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
Touched, the postal worker showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Easter came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice evening and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there were 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Edna
I was taught to be cautious
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oldbluefox
- Ex Team Member
- Posts: 12527
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
If anyone out there is voting and are not sure who to vote for maybe this will help....................................
I was taught to be cautious
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Onelife
- Captain
- Posts: 14156
- Joined: January 2013
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
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Ray Scully
- Senior First Officer
- Posts: 2069
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Lancashire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
>
> A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
>
> Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man
>
> The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
>
> The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'.
> HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
> HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat ..
> HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
> HE paid for our house at the lake.
> HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
> HE paid for our country club membership. and
> HE even pays the monthly dues!'
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
>
> He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
>
> The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
> A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
>
> Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man
>
> The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
>
> The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'.
> HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
> HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat ..
> HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
> HE paid for our house at the lake.
> HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
> HE paid for our country club membership. and
> HE even pays the monthly dues!'
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
>
> He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
>
> The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Gregory the Hunter walks into the game park bar accompanied by his mate Felix the Lion.
“Pint for me and a Masai for the lion please,” he orders.
The order is delivered; he drinks and the lion chews.
“Same again,” shouts Gregory.
The pair eat and drink like this for an hour or so, but when Gregory orders the same again the barman declares “sorry Greg, we got no more Masai Warriors, how about a pygmy?”
“No way mate, you know what he’s like when he gets on the shorts.”
“Pint for me and a Masai for the lion please,” he orders.
The order is delivered; he drinks and the lion chews.
“Same again,” shouts Gregory.
The pair eat and drink like this for an hour or so, but when Gregory orders the same again the barman declares “sorry Greg, we got no more Masai Warriors, how about a pygmy?”
“No way mate, you know what he’s like when he gets on the shorts.”