Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

[Stephen]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he

had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[Stephen]

Billy no mates this week then.

[oldbluefox]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse --
It's called Bunk Beds!, and Jimmy's mum want's to talk to you'!

[gfwgfw]

Billy no mates this week then.

[oldbluefox]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
And that's the last thing I remember.

[oldbluefox]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.

[oldbluefox]

A wife asks her husband:
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him: "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied: "They had avocados."
(If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work here is done).

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said: "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mum said: "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

Today's Short Reading from the Bible.
From Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round ... and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

[Stephen]

Better late than never

[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

Someone's ahead of themselves

[Silver_Shiney]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, “She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this”, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.