Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time



A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

[towny44]

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
" I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The darn fool says he can't communicate with me."

[oldbluefox]

image1.JPG

[oldbluefox]

I thought this warning was very IMPORTANT,
so I am passing it on.

Please pass it on to the people you care about, relatives, friends as it is important that they be made aware of this danger.

Never
Never
Never
Never

Ever... ....

image.jpg

..............pass wind in a wet suit.

[oldbluefox]

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'

[Stephen]

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

[Not so ancient mariner]

It's Friday Fun Time



a train station is where a train stops.

No, That's a RAILWAY station.

[qbman1]

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that they have such different views of sex and relationships.

Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex.

Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

[qbman1]

There were two blokes working for the local council.

One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.

These two men worked furiously all day; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the pavement and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, I know it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today"

[qbman1]

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor..."I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Blueberry"

[qbman1]

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "insufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get stomach cramps after eating?

[qbman1]

Was this the one.....?

good-luck-america.png

[Not so ancient mariner]

The very same....I'm unsure why the original wouldn't appear as intended.

[Not so ancient mariner]

A friend of mine says women are mostly sex objects.......

Whenever you mention sex, most of them object.....!

[Stephen]

14681763_512604035604277_8233032006463431216_n.jpg

[qbman1]

A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you £250 if we're unable to serve you any dish you order."

He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on wholemeal toast.

The waitress took the order and left.

All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans.
It went on and on.

The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen.

He slapped down £250 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of brown bread."

[qbman1]

"I have good news and bad news," a defence lawyer told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

[Stephen]

A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"

The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

[qbman1]

imagesCACE7GBE.jpg

[Stephen]

Pick pockets get everywhere these days

[Not so ancient mariner]

"

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

You could use blood like that in a grease gun!!

The recommended level is actually 5!! (mmol/L) though the national average is around 5.7

[Stephen]

Someone is taking this a bit too seriously

[Raybosailor]

Mabel & Fred went on holiday to Sorrento but all those steps were too much for Fred and he had a heart attack when he got back to the room.
Now Fred was a tight wad and wouldn't buy holiday insurance so Mabel was in a bit of a pickle regarding getting Fred's body back to the UK.
Not one to be beat she went to the local hardware store and purchased a saw, she went back to the room and sawed poor old Fred in half but she could only get one half in his suitcase and needed hers.
So she went back to the UK with Fred Part One and buried it in the garden, a few days later she was at the travel agents to book a flight to Sorrento "going on holiday again" said the T/A, "no I'm going back to fetch my other half" said Mabel