Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[oldbluefox]

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

[oldbluefox]

A recent article in the Dominion Post, New Zealand, reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

[Raybosailor]

It's Friday Fun Time

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Nice one Stephen that's what I'd like to do to the mothers of the little darlings that come knocking on my door, they stand at the bottom of my drive with that "aren't my children sweet ?" look on their faces.

No ladies they are little pains in the ar*e.

[Silver_Shiney]

It's Friday Fun Time

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Nice one Stephen that's what I'd like to do to the mothers of the little darlings that come knocking on my door, they stand at the bottom of my drive with that "aren't my children sweet ?" look on their faces.

No ladies they are little pains in the ar*e.

Bissom (sic?) brooms are hard to come by these days - I suggest a fully-charged cattle prod....

[Ray Scully]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?
"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,"About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?
" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
"Your house!". The barber fainted.

[Ray Scully]

An Electrician (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates

.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Electrician ( The Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter
and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments,
but congratulations for what?

I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.

Is it because I'm an Electrician ( The Royalty of all Trades )

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.


"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Electrician ( The Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope
that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Michael and Gary got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my air-plane glue.'

[Stephen]

Think I'll skip this eye test.

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[oldbluefox]

New Reference Guide
Just letting you know that the book,
"Understanding Women"
is now out in paperback

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[oldbluefox]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[Stephen]

New Reference Guide
Just letting you know that the book,
"Understanding Women"
is now out in paperback


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Volume 1 of 10

[Ray Scully]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.