Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach one day, when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[oldbluefox]

Stephen..................

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.I just bought this hat yesterday!"

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach at Noosa, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "Madam, if you were better looking, it would lift itself."

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the feckin' skipping"

[qbman1]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder...

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...

The government knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the country, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Ministry of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "

That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye did nae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[Mervyn and Trish]

Ron, 89 years of age, driving erratically, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was
asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

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[Silver_Shiney]

Stephen..................

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.I just bought this hat yesterday!"

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach at Noosa, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "Madam, if you were better looking, it would lift itself."

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you eye up the mini-skirted dolly birds and assess their potential as babysitters....