It's Friday Fun Time
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
It's Friday Fun Time
Last edited by Stephen on 17 Feb 2017, 06:55, edited 1 time in total.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mummy! Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mummy! Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
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towny44
- Deputy Captain
- Posts: 9668
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Huddersfield
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Police Officer Test
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer?
Consider this test scenario.
QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWERS:
Canadian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload... BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reight noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer a*se!
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer?
Consider this test scenario.
QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWERS:
Canadian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload... BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reight noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer a*se!
John
Trainee Pensioner since 2000
Trainee Pensioner since 2000
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towny44
- Deputy Captain
- Posts: 9668
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Huddersfield
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses
Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!”
*He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as
President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn’t!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s
shelves this week with “Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one.”
*The Clinton revised judicial oath:
“I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”
*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in
the Oval Office between the Bushes.
Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!”
*He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as
President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn’t!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s
shelves this week with “Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one.”
*The Clinton revised judicial oath:
“I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”
*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in
the Oval Office between the Bushes.
John
Trainee Pensioner since 2000
Trainee Pensioner since 2000
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...
I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.
I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried.
"I can't stand it any more!" she shrieked. "Thirty-two years we've been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I'm leaving!"
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house... out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action. Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, "Sylvia, you're right, you're absolutely right, and I can't bear it either. Wait a minute, and I'll go with you."
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried.
"I can't stand it any more!" she shrieked. "Thirty-two years we've been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I'm leaving!"
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house... out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action. Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, "Sylvia, you're right, you're absolutely right, and I can't bear it either. Wait a minute, and I'll go with you."
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
An old couple were talking.
The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling” the man replied proudly.
“With all the others I was awake."
The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling” the man replied proudly.
“With all the others I was awake."
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary
"Lets do some laundry, honey".
Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John
"Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.”
"Lets do some laundry, honey".
Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John
"Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.”
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A drunk arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
'No,' replied the Drunk. 'I've lost all me luggage!'
'How'd that happen?'
'The cork fell out!'
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
'No,' replied the Drunk. 'I've lost all me luggage!'
'How'd that happen?'
'The cork fell out!'
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
"Now class, put your hands up if you know anything about police officers."
"You only have to put one hand up, Leroy."
"You only have to put one hand up, Leroy."
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
-
qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,
"Cleaner to aisle 4!"
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,
"Cleaner to aisle 4!"
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
An Irishman runs into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"
The barman pours out the shots, and the Irishman drinks them as fast as he can.
The barman remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The Irishman replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
"What's that?" asks the barman.
"Only fifty pence!"
The barman pours out the shots, and the Irishman drinks them as fast as he can.
The barman remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The Irishman replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
"What's that?" asks the barman.
"Only fifty pence!"
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
-
Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A man loses an ear in a factory accident and is rushed to hospital.
The surgeon said "I can transplant ears but your ear is mangled and I haven't any spare ones in stock but I can give you a pig’s ear".
The man wasn't too impressed but the surgeon said "it's better than nothing, at least you will be able to wear your specs and you can always grow your hair to cover it". So the man agreed.
A month later the man goes back for a check-up, the surgeon asked him how it was going, the man said "I’ve grown my hair to cover it and I can wear my specs, the problem is when I use my personal stereo it's O.K. in my good ear but in the transplanted ear I get crackling!!"
The surgeon said "I can transplant ears but your ear is mangled and I haven't any spare ones in stock but I can give you a pig’s ear".
The man wasn't too impressed but the surgeon said "it's better than nothing, at least you will be able to wear your specs and you can always grow your hair to cover it". So the man agreed.
A month later the man goes back for a check-up, the surgeon asked him how it was going, the man said "I’ve grown my hair to cover it and I can wear my specs, the problem is when I use my personal stereo it's O.K. in my good ear but in the transplanted ear I get crackling!!"
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me
Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil
Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Yay - it's "Drink Wine Day" - really !!