Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club. The secretary says, "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks."

Furious, Bolt replies, "do you know who I am? I'm Usain f*****g Bolt!"

"Oh, sorry," replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road!"

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

My daughter came home today and said, "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the hell are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."

"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"

"I know." I replied, "I was talking to him."

[Ray Scully]

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So this is what Independence is all about

[Ray Scully]

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[Ray Scully]

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[qbman1]

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

His wife says, "Take half and leave you!"

The man replies, "Great! I won 10 quid, here is five, now get out!"

[Onelife]

"Doctor, doctor!" said the
panic-stricken woman,
"my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's
swallowed a
mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the
doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of
cheese to a piece of string and
lower it into your husband's mouth. As
soon as the mouse takes a
bite haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to
the fishmonger
straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do
you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to
get the cat out first

[qbman1]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that bloody candle out" came the harried reply.

[qbman1]

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How did you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

[Mervyn and Trish]

Scientists at NRC in Europe have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv).
It has one neutron, 28 assistant neutrons, 88 committed deputy neutrons and 751 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 868.

These 868 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons or clingons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

[gfwgfw]

Rural Darzet thanks Stephen and his comical friends for my Friday larffff

Great loooong weekend to you all

gfwgfw

[Stephen]

Rural Darzet thanks Stephen and his comical friends for my Friday larffff

Great loooong weekend to you all

gfwgfw