It's Friday Fun Time
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
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- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
It's Friday Fun Time
Last edited by Stephen on 19 May 2017, 08:18, edited 1 time in total.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
Last edited by Stephen on 19 May 2017, 08:20, edited 1 time in total.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
-
Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Four Oxford college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Nottingham and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Oxford until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Nottingham for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test paper, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tyre?
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Nottingham for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test paper, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tyre?
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Mummy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mummy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
"You understand it now?" Mummy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
The Ten Commandments of marriage
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
I was on a blind date with this girl...
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.
She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny." I said "wise choice."
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.
She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny." I said "wise choice."
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
Bob says, "Yep, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Dave replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Bob said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of wholemeal bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the bakers.
The baker asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four large loaves of wholemeal bread, please," said Dave.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the baker remarked.
Dave replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
Bob says, "Yep, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Dave replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Bob said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of wholemeal bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the bakers.
The baker asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four large loaves of wholemeal bread, please," said Dave.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the baker remarked.
Dave replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
-
Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Got some good news today, the wife told me that the police had been round and they want to interview me ....I hadn't even applied for a job.
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends.
"So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy.
"So finally God went to the Israelites and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free.
"The Israelites said, "Great! We'll take ten!"
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends.
"So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy.
"So finally God went to the Israelites and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free.
"The Israelites said, "Great! We'll take ten!"
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
When the gents outfitter shop manager returned from lunch, he noticed his assistant's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the assistant had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the assistant said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the assistant replied, "right after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
"Guess what, sir?" the assistant said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the assistant replied, "right after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
An Indian immigrant goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible".
The doctor examines him and says, "you need to pee and sh*t in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Indian does this and goes back to the doctor 8 days later and says, "I feel wonderful! Wonder what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
The doctor examines him and says, "you need to pee and sh*t in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Indian does this and goes back to the doctor 8 days later and says, "I feel wonderful! Wonder what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire