Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

This new Universal Credit to replace all my benefits stinks.
How am I supposed to afford my Sky+ HD 3D subscription, my 2 holidays in Spain a year, my fibre broadband, 2 cars, unlimited calls mobile phone contract on my iPhone, my season ticket to Man United, my nightly 10 pints of Guinness and 50 quid in the gambler?

I've got a bad back you know!

[towny44]

I couldn't even raise a smile to that one Stephen, it's too true to be funny.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Just tried doing a load of washing but the bl**dy washing machine wouldn't work.
Then I noticed the wife had set it to coloureds .

Reset to whites and it works great

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[qbman1]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of Six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[qbman1]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the car park," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, 'Anytime, my door is always open'.

[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.
The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pi**ed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

Discreetly packaged they said....

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[Stephen]

Just hope the neighbour didn't take it in

[qbman1]

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There's some real talent in the U.S. military !

[qbman1]

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