It's Friday Fun Time
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Have you heard about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Bingo!
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth. So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest person on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'I'll be damned,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!!
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth. So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest person on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'I'll be damned,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!!
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
For anyone who doesn't like pineapple on their pizza.....
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A group of nursery school kids were trying to become accustomed to their first year in school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.
"She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the sh*t."
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.
"She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the sh*t."
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s cheque book”
The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s cheque book”
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the cashiers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"
Jim replies, "It's that £50 I owe you"
While several of the robbers take the money from the cashiers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"
Jim replies, "It's that £50 I owe you"
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Police in Colombia have seized 12 tonnes of cocaine, which is not to be sniffed at.
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Ray Scully
- Senior First Officer
- Posts: 2069
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Lancashire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Something for the weekend perhaps!!!
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."
"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."
"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
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qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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