Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

Old Timer Sex.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple pass, he says to them,' excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

I went to the pet store and brought my wife a Pug.
Despite having a squashed face, bulging eyes, rolls of fat and looking ugly as hell, the dog seems to like her.

[Ray Scully]

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[oldbluefox]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. Parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the White House .
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Donald Trump, How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church.There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Trump , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . .
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[oldbluefox]

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

[oldbluefox]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Some b**tard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

[qbman1]

One Sunday morning, the vicar noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the vicar walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Vicar," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Vicar, what is this?"

The vicar replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked "Which service, the 8:00 or the 6:00?"

[qbman1]

A vicar visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the sofa, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.

"No, not at all!" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and, as the vicar stands to leave, he realises that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

[qbman1]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my stag party that I did on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[qbman1]

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

[qbman1]

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town.

After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

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[qbman1]

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[oldbluefox]

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[Stephen]

Study: Sheep can recognise human faces. Which is why the Welsh always approach from behind

[Stephen]

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