It's Friday Fun Time
Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
It's Friday Fun Time
Last edited by Stephen on 13 Dec 2019, 08:35, edited 2 times in total.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men.
It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major.
When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.”
The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop ’em, which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?”
The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, “Vietnam.”
It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major.
When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.”
The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop ’em, which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?”
The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, “Vietnam.”
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
The wife took me out for a drive in the countryside and she said to me sexily with a wink "why don't we do something we've never done in the car before"
"Go on then" I said, "put it in 4th gear"
"Go on then" I said, "put it in 4th gear"
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Keep up old chap. I posted the Corbyn one earlier this morning on the Election thread
Last edited by Stephen on 13 Dec 2019, 12:18, edited 1 time in total.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Many messages of condolence for Jeremy Corbyn this morning.
From the,
IRA
ISIS
Hezbollah
The Muslim Council Of Britain
Syria
Iran
North Korea..........
From the,
IRA
ISIS
Hezbollah
The Muslim Council Of Britain
Syria
Iran
North Korea..........
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
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Mervyn and Trish
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
I realised after I'd posted! Oh well, great minds.....Stephen wrote: 13 Dec 2019, 12:18Keep up old chap. I posted the Corbyn one earlier this morning on the Election thread
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Paddy & Murphy were sat in the bar, Paddy said "Morph, I've got a confession to make and I hope ye don't fall out with me.
The Gards had me today and I'm to be charged with having sex with Minors."
Murphy set his glass down and sucked air through his teeth, after a while he replied "Paddy we've been friends all our lives but that's a terrible blow!
A terrible serious charge too, people will put yer windows through and drive ye out of town!"
Paddy responded "I know Morph. And that's not the worst of it, The last time I had sex with a Minor I burnt me c*ck real bad on the exhaust!"
The Gards had me today and I'm to be charged with having sex with Minors."
Murphy set his glass down and sucked air through his teeth, after a while he replied "Paddy we've been friends all our lives but that's a terrible blow!
A terrible serious charge too, people will put yer windows through and drive ye out of town!"
Paddy responded "I know Morph. And that's not the worst of it, The last time I had sex with a Minor I burnt me c*ck real bad on the exhaust!"
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
For Sale : 55 million brand new broadband routers, boxed, unused, bargain, first to see will buy.
Contact Jeremy or Diane.
Contact Jeremy or Diane.
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Stephen
Topic author - Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)